Ok, it is really hard for me to focus right now but I feel that I should write. Even though I haven’t written in my blog in a long time I guess I feel that I need to do a final entry. Well, I think it is going to be my final entry. At this moment I don’t really know. I guess I should probably give a little background that lead up to the situation that I am currently in. Idk if I ever wrote about it in here, but since I came to RIT I started seeing a therapist. It was something that I promised myself I would do when I got on my own and didn’t have to deal with all of the crap of being a minor. Also, I later realized that I did it partly because of KR. I still had the need to seek her approval even though I hadn’t seriously talked to her in a really long time. I think I have since no longer felt the need to seek her approval although there are still times that I really want to talk to her. Anyways, I went into the counseling office terrified. I did the intake and the therapist gave me a referral to go the health center to talk to a psychologist. He did his little intake and decided to put me on meds for depression. At first he put me on like the generic version of Prozac. That didn’t work out well. It ended up making me incredibly depressed and so I had to stop. Even though I was already exhausted by it all and still terrified I decided to let him try putting me on a different medication. He put me on Celexa which did kinda help but kept me from sleeping. After a week without sleep and my body crashing from exhaustion he put me on Trazadone to help me sleep. Since then he has increased my dosage of both which probably don’t help as much as they should but it makes my life slightly easier. Before fall break he doubled my dosage of the Trazadone. The first day that I got back I had a major panic attack. I have never had one before. I ended up in the back of an ambulance for the first time. That absolutely sucked considering that I am deathly afraid of hospitals. Since then I have had 3 more major panic attacks. Only one other one they called the ambulance and the 2 this week my friends were there and they know I hate hospitals so they just sat with me. My friends have actually been really amazing about it and knew I didn’t like ppl freaking out and didn’t like hospitals so they just sat and kept on eye on me to make sure nothing bad happened. Anyways, back to the shrink. At first seeing her really suxed. She didn’t understand me at all and so she didn’t know how to handle me which was frustrating. Plus I was scared of the whole situation and didn’t trust her at all. For some reason I continued going. I guess I still had that small hope that somehow my life could someday be better. As time went on I started to explain things like my dissociation and stuff. That kinda made things better because it helped her to understand why I reacted the way I did. I can talk about all of this really horrible stuff and I simply smile about it which I think really confused her. As I kept seeing her I kinda started to trust her. That was probably an idiotic thing to do. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all of the stuff that I normally just analyze in my head. Unfortunately I was stupid and allowed myself to start to actually open up. I told her about the whole asphyxiation thing. Definitely a mistake, because that kinda freaked everyone out. I also told her about my indifference to death. The combination of the two apparently got several people around the counseling center really concerned about me. I know it was an idiotic thing to do but I was trying to be honest. I also sometimes tend to underestimate how other people will react to things. Since death is pretty much a regular part of life I am pretty indifferent regarding it and so I sometimes don’t realize how scary it is for other people. I guess I should probably explain that a little bit because I have never taken the time to do that in here and it kinda helps explain how I am. I have kinda known this for a while but only recently consciously accepted it because it made me feel insane. Ok, so I kinda have two separate aspects of my personality. They aren’t separate personalities and I am completely aware of both but it is a coping mechanism that I adapted and it kinda went to the extreme. Anyways, there is the bad part of me that is really destructive. This is the part that pretty much always wants to die or hurt myself etc. It is my self hatred and never being good enough and depression and basically lots of bad stuff. For years this part of me has always existed but no one really knew about it. I guess separating it as a distinct aspect of my personality allowed me to not acknowledge it in daily life. Most of this part of my personality is really scary and unacceptable to other people. For me though, it is just a part of who I am and I accept it. Then there is the other part of my personality which is completely opposite. This part probably has more good aspects because it is the part that is striving for success and always fighting to live. It is the part of me that wanted to get help and strived to be perfect. I guess even though it is the “good” aspect of my personality it is also kinda detrimental because I constantly work towards things that I cannot possibly achieve. This is the part of my personality that wants to be absolutely perfect in everything and since suicide is a “bad” thing it is considered unacceptable. Then of course there is “me”. It is the part of myself that lives daily life. It is the part that is just trying to balance everything that is going on and just survive. I guess the problem is that no one really knows about all of this. It has allowed me to survive but the internal conflict can be very difficult at times. I have often felt frustrated because I cannot win a war when the greatest enemy is myself. It is like a constant war over some as fundamental as whether or not to live or die. This whole thing also makes it extremely difficult for other people to deal with me when I do try to seek help. I often have two completely contradicting desires and I will choose one or the other based on a particular moment. This is what made it so difficult for KR when I tried to talk to her. The part of me that wants to survive would get desperate when things were going badly so I would go to her seeking help. However, she was legally obligated to report what was going on and when she did I freaked out. Then within an instant my desires would instantly change to wanted to escape and die. Also this all makes it very difficult for me to talk to anyone at all. People can’t understand the “bad” part of me. The fact that I pretty much always have a part of me that want to hurt myself and die is really scary for people on the outside. They fear that since I have these desires I could kill myself at any given moment. I guess technically that’s true but for me it is simply a reality that I accept. I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually was happy with my life and wanted to live. However, even though all of this is a constant for me, as soon as I try to go to someone else about it they instantly freak out and try to take away my control of my own life. That is the thing that probably freaks me out most. I am obsessive about having complete control over my life. I try to control everything including my emotions. Since I have the ability to separate my thoughts into the two different aspects of my personality I actually have the ability to manipulate my own mind to some extent. That is a really weird thing to do. I can know something yet push that knowledge out of the working part of my mind and convince myself of something else even though I don’t fully believe it. I know, it’s really complicated and I don’t even fully understand it. It was something that I used to do when I was being destructive. I guess it was my loop hole. Before it was far more of a conscious effort to manipulate my mind but now it is far easier. I would choke myself wanting to kill myself and pushing it so it was dangerous but I would convince my working part of my mind that I wasn’t actually going to die. This was my way of getting around the fact that neither of the aspects of my personality could completely win out. The battle always because more extreme when things were going badly in my life. The part of me that wanted to die would be desperately fighting for suicide and the part of me that strived to be perfect would desperately fight to live. By manipulating my mind and deliberately doing dangerous stuff without the full intent of death gave me a loop hole. The therapist actually said that she was concerned about me accidentally kill myself and I simply said that I didn’t really care but didn’t explain how that was sorta the intention. Anyways, I got really off my main topic there. So basically I was stupid and started to open up the therapist about things that are more dangerous. Basically she had to report to other people and so my psychologist as well as several people from the counseling center got all freaked out about me. I went for my appointment before winter break and apparently they were all freaked out about me going home. My therapist said that I had to talk to the head of the counseling center because it was “procedure.” I wasn’t happy about that but I didn’t really have a choice. So the head of the counseling center comes in and basically says that she is going to call my mom. I freaked out. I tried to explain to her how bad that would be but she had already made the decision before she came and talked to me. It was one of those stupid things were people ask my opinion but couldn’t care less what I actually say because they have already made their decision. I guess they think it will somehow make me less pissed if they pretend to care what I think. So anyways, I was obviously really pissed and overwhelmed after that. I didn’t do anything that night because I was completely overwhelmed but I choked myself pretty badly the next night. I ended up with extreme headaches for a couple days but nothing permanent. I don’t quite remember if that was the day that I almost did it or if that was another day but at one point I was pretty close. I had the scarf twisted around my neck for quite a while and was on the bathroom floor slouched against the wall. I was kinda close to passing out and so I probably could have done it but for some reason I decided to stop. I honestly don’t know why and I am sure that people are going to try to find some deep reason but honestly I just decided that I didn’t feel like doing it at that moment. I am pretty indifferent to death so this kind of thing doesn’t really matter to me. Anyways, after that I was pretty much just floating. Going home ended up not being that bad. I guess they didn’t tell my mom too much which is probably good. I still didn’t want to see any of them every again though. When I got back I was really stressed and basically things weren’t going well. My therapist contacted me and asked me to see her for one last time. I did that yesterday. It only lasted like 15 mins and she basically gave me a recommendation to go get counseling at the local hospital and basically just washed her hands of me. I am definitely not going to do that because I am terrified of hospitals, I have no insurance and it is expensive, plus I really don’t want to ever see anymore counselors at this point. Going to the counseling center here was my one chance at it. I wasn’t really sure about it in the first place and things went badly as I expected they would. Now she has washed her hands of me just like so many other people have done in the past. It was a bit sad and I felt kinda upset when I left but I guess it isn’t too bad. I have learned to simply expect people to betray me and expect them to give up on me so I don’t really get upset when they do. Anyways, I was thinking about killing myself on Friday but then a bunch of crap happened. After seeing the therapist I was in a bad mood cuz I had a horrible day and I was stressed and basically things weren’t going well. I was text messaging one of my friends about it and apparently when of my other friends saw the messages and freaked out. I knew that the friend I was texting wouldn’t freak out because we have really horrible morbid conversations like that all of the time. Plus she believes that if I want to kill myself I should be able to, which is cool. I mean, why should other people force me be alive when I don’t want to. It is my life and it is my hell and they can’t understand what I am going through. I have accepted my fate and I am ok with it. Other people are simply afraid of death and therefore they feel the need to cling to life no matter what. Well, I really need to wrap up this entry because I just now got back from public safety. Anyways basically the friend saw the text message and freaked out and told another friend and they decided to call public safety. And now they have blown the entire thing way out of proportion. Public safety came to my room yesterday and apparently were talking to my roommate but luckily she doesn’t know anything and so she said I was fine. So they then came and searched me out at work. That suxed. So then I had a bunch of people swarming around me. There was the head of residence life and several public safety people and they even had the paramedics come. It was so stupid. And so then I come back and I am really stressed and feeling betrayed but I finally figured out what happened. So then today apparently they called public safety again. So I just got back from having to go down to the public safety office and give a statement and talk to a crisis counselor and it basically all sucked. Honestly, the more that people get involved and bug me the more I want to do it. I seriously want it all to go away and they are all just stressing me out more. But yah, that is basically a not so short summary of what has been going on lately in my life and why I am planning this. But for all those who are going to freak out, it is my choice, there is absolutely nothing that you could have done. This is my hell to live and you can’t even begin to understand what I have had to endure to lead to this decision. I’m sorry to those who disagree but I have accepted my fate and hopefully you can too.